Recent Struggles

Wow. I can't believe how bad I am at keeping up with this blogging thing. It's way too hard.

Anyway,

Recently, I've gotten to this point in my walk with Christ where I've lost passion and communion with Him. I've gotten so caught up in all these ministries that I'm involved in that I've neglected my relationship with Him. It happened before I could realize it. I would worry about what the people that I was serving with would think about me than what God would think about me. I almost didn't want to talk to anyone about this just because of my pride. I didn't want people to think that I was anything less than holy. But isn't that what Christianity is all about? It's about Christ being magnified in my weaknesses.

I finally decided to go to someone about it so they could offer me some support, encouragement, and advice. I chose a very sweet couple in my church who I knew wouldn't sugarcoat the truth. That would tell me what my problem was and help me solve it. And help me they did. I am now studying the Bible with them. Not a Bible study, just straight up studying the Bible. And this helps me a lot. When I go through a Bible study, my reading becomes a way to find an answer to a question, rather than wanting to hear from God. We're currently reading through Philippians.

I can't even explain just how much joy I have now. I'm craving God's word. I'm craving fellowship with believers. I am craving God's glorification. I am so excited about this new step in my walk.

Impossibilities

Today was the last day of a very hard school year. When everyone told me Junior year was the hardest, I just kind of brushed it off. They were SO right. It took a lot of energy, time, and passion to learn all that was required of us. But sometimes, I didn't really feel like giving my all. I became weary and bored of the same routine. Not only was this year mentally demanding, it was also physically, spiritually, and emotionally demanding.

Because of my health issues, I missed a ton of school. Missing a day of Junior year is like missing a week. The amount of make up work that I was required to complete was extremely overwhelming. I was almost 100% sure that I could not possibly make it through the year. On top of my health issues, one of my good friends was put into foster care and left our school, and of course all the drama that comes with having friends that are girls.

Throughout this whole year in the back of my mind, I kept on telling myself "this is impossible" and because of that I lost my motivation. I was fairly sure that it was, in fact, impossible. I neglected to realize that I could leave my burden with Christ. I failed to let Him control me. I failed to let my love for Christ ignite a passion that affected everything I did.

But, I am still here. I am still alive. I passed. This school year has been such a trial full of joys and sorrows. All those things that I thought were impossibilities, became possible.

Philippians 4:13-"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

I made the decision not to date a while ago, precisely May 4th of last year. To state it more accurately, I made a promise to God that the next person I date, I'm going to marry. I can't date until I'm married. I used to laugh at this phrase, until I made this decision. In my heart I know the countless reasons why, but I always have trouble relaying these to people. I've experienced many different reactions: strange looks and ridicules from people my age, to awe and appreciation from those that are older.

Dating, basically, is the process of finding a husband/wife. Our society has warped this understanding however. Now, dating is just a social status. People congratulate you when you enter into a relationship, and feel sorry for you when you are you are no longer in one. How sad is that? People pity you when you decide to follow God's will and break away from a relationship. Crazy.

So, on May 4, 2010, I decided to completely surrender this area of my life to God. I am stepping back and allowing Him to begin the process of finding the perfect guy (if this is His will for me). I don't want to make the decision of who I think is worthy to be my husband. Rather, I want God to make this decision for me.

In the meantime, I will be cultivating my relationship with my Prince, the Love of my life. I will be spending my season of singleness in complete abandon for my Lord.

Rebelution

This afternoon, I was rummaging through my brother's room trying to find something good to read. I've already started on one called Do Hard Things by two teenagers, Alex and Brett Harris. In the beginning of this book they define rebelution: a teenage rebellion against low expectations. I've only read a couple of chapters thus far but this book is one that defines a mission in my life: to be an example to the world that not all teenagers are settling for a life of mediocrity. Sadly, this is the opinion of many adults (and teenagers). Our media is constantly setting low expectations for us, not really expecting anything from us at all. I'm excited to see what God teaches me through this book. Already, I highly recommend it.

I'm not very good and posting on here very frequently. Things have been pretty crazy lately. Right now school is getting tougher and on top of all my school work, I am required to prepare myself for SACS competition coming up in April. This year, I am entering a short story and a quilt.

God is constantly showing me many areas in my life in which I need to improve. I am very excited to see how He is going to use me. My relationship with Him is continually growing sweeter and sweeter. His love toward me is unfathomable. I can hardly contain my joy when I think about Him.

A Time of Preparation

"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel."
-Isaiah 45:2-3

It's been a busy couple of months. Between doctors appointments and exams, I haven't had time to do much of anything lately. But one thing remains constant. I always feel the pull of my Lord beckoning me to spend intimate time with Him.

I feel as though Christ is preparing me for something that is sooo much bigger than I could ever imagine, which really is His plan for all of us if we would just allow Him. This is what I am seeking: a life that is completely surrendered to Christ. A life that compels others to surrender. A life that will have an eternal impact.

I've had a lot of people ask me lately what I plan on doing after I graduate high school. I have no clue. Honestly, I don't want to go to college. It's so overwhelming, especially since I'm used to being in a class of 16 for the past 4 years. I know that whatever I do, I want it to bring honor to my King. I would love to be able to do something in ministry (obviously not being a preacher, Paul makes himself very clear about the roles of women in the church). But outside of preachers, youth ministers, and missionaries, I'm not really sure what's available to me.

This is where Christ comes in. He knows exactly where I need to be in my life, what I need to be doing in order to be fulfilled in Him. This is where my time of preparation comes in. When Christ is my ultimate goal, I don't have to worry about where to go to college, what to study, or what career I need to have. All that is required of me is to spend time with my Jesus.

On another note, my brother just left the United States today for a 5 month mission trip to Brazil. Please be in prayer for him and the church he is working with.

Caswell

This weekend, a group of students from Fairview Baptist traveled to Fort Caswell on Oak Island. Our trip consisted of a lot of good food, not a lot of sleep, messy and not so messy games. We arrived late Friday night, got unpacked, and started our first session. Our theme this year was Live. Love. We finally got to sleep that night around 1 in the morning. Saturday we had our Amazing Race. Instead of doing this on the fort, we went to a near by town, Southport. Late that night, we roasted marshmallows and made smores on the beach. We sang songs, saw shooting stars, and caught some sharks. Sunday morning we got all packed up, went to church, and said goodbye to our beloved Fort Caswell.

Unfortunately, I was not looking forward to this trip. I knew that it was going to be a lot different than it had been in the past. We had a smaller group going and we were staying at a different house. I realized that a lot of times, we get caught up in traditions and expectations and we forget about the reason we're doing something. I regret not having a joyful heart from the very beginning. This trip was so awesome. Since there were not a lot of people going, there was not drama and the group wasn't divided. Most of the time, all of us were together.

I am so glad I went on this trip that bonded our group. We made so many memories. I cannot wait to see how God is going to use these special students to bring Him glory.

Glory to God, forever!

Praise You in This Storm

Throughout this whole medical ordeal, I've realized that I haven't had the right attitude about anything. I've been thinking that everything that could be wrong with me is wrong with me. But I haven't been thinking about all the things that I should be thankful for. I am thankful that whatever is wrong with me hasn't taken my life. I am thankful for my parents who I have scared over and over again. I am thankful for my church family who have surrounded me in prayer and surrounded me literally when I've been having these attacks. I am thankful for my school family who have also been praying hard for me and ensuring that I have what I need for my education. I am thankful for the firemen and paramedics who responded so quickly. And I am most thankful for Christ. If He hadn't taken my place on the cross so many years ago, I would be suffering way more than I already am. I can feel His arms wrapped securely around me. His grace and mercy is amazing and I cannot fully comprehend it.

Since not a lot of people read this, I can write about what we are concerned is going on. Yesterday, I had an episode at school in my Spanish class. What concerned my teachers is that it looked as if I was having a seizure. My eyes rolled back in my head and I was shaking terribly. My teacher encouraged my mom to get me checked out for them and not to let them tell us these were panic attacks. My doctor said I could very likely be having seizures. She got us in with a good neurologist in Raleigh. I'm going tomorrow for some tests. I pray that they will find everything that needs to be found.