Recent Struggles

Wow. I can't believe how bad I am at keeping up with this blogging thing. It's way too hard.

Anyway,

Recently, I've gotten to this point in my walk with Christ where I've lost passion and communion with Him. I've gotten so caught up in all these ministries that I'm involved in that I've neglected my relationship with Him. It happened before I could realize it. I would worry about what the people that I was serving with would think about me than what God would think about me. I almost didn't want to talk to anyone about this just because of my pride. I didn't want people to think that I was anything less than holy. But isn't that what Christianity is all about? It's about Christ being magnified in my weaknesses.

I finally decided to go to someone about it so they could offer me some support, encouragement, and advice. I chose a very sweet couple in my church who I knew wouldn't sugarcoat the truth. That would tell me what my problem was and help me solve it. And help me they did. I am now studying the Bible with them. Not a Bible study, just straight up studying the Bible. And this helps me a lot. When I go through a Bible study, my reading becomes a way to find an answer to a question, rather than wanting to hear from God. We're currently reading through Philippians.

I can't even explain just how much joy I have now. I'm craving God's word. I'm craving fellowship with believers. I am craving God's glorification. I am so excited about this new step in my walk.

Impossibilities

Today was the last day of a very hard school year. When everyone told me Junior year was the hardest, I just kind of brushed it off. They were SO right. It took a lot of energy, time, and passion to learn all that was required of us. But sometimes, I didn't really feel like giving my all. I became weary and bored of the same routine. Not only was this year mentally demanding, it was also physically, spiritually, and emotionally demanding.

Because of my health issues, I missed a ton of school. Missing a day of Junior year is like missing a week. The amount of make up work that I was required to complete was extremely overwhelming. I was almost 100% sure that I could not possibly make it through the year. On top of my health issues, one of my good friends was put into foster care and left our school, and of course all the drama that comes with having friends that are girls.

Throughout this whole year in the back of my mind, I kept on telling myself "this is impossible" and because of that I lost my motivation. I was fairly sure that it was, in fact, impossible. I neglected to realize that I could leave my burden with Christ. I failed to let Him control me. I failed to let my love for Christ ignite a passion that affected everything I did.

But, I am still here. I am still alive. I passed. This school year has been such a trial full of joys and sorrows. All those things that I thought were impossibilities, became possible.

Philippians 4:13-"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

I made the decision not to date a while ago, precisely May 4th of last year. To state it more accurately, I made a promise to God that the next person I date, I'm going to marry. I can't date until I'm married. I used to laugh at this phrase, until I made this decision. In my heart I know the countless reasons why, but I always have trouble relaying these to people. I've experienced many different reactions: strange looks and ridicules from people my age, to awe and appreciation from those that are older.

Dating, basically, is the process of finding a husband/wife. Our society has warped this understanding however. Now, dating is just a social status. People congratulate you when you enter into a relationship, and feel sorry for you when you are you are no longer in one. How sad is that? People pity you when you decide to follow God's will and break away from a relationship. Crazy.

So, on May 4, 2010, I decided to completely surrender this area of my life to God. I am stepping back and allowing Him to begin the process of finding the perfect guy (if this is His will for me). I don't want to make the decision of who I think is worthy to be my husband. Rather, I want God to make this decision for me.

In the meantime, I will be cultivating my relationship with my Prince, the Love of my life. I will be spending my season of singleness in complete abandon for my Lord.

Rebelution

This afternoon, I was rummaging through my brother's room trying to find something good to read. I've already started on one called Do Hard Things by two teenagers, Alex and Brett Harris. In the beginning of this book they define rebelution: a teenage rebellion against low expectations. I've only read a couple of chapters thus far but this book is one that defines a mission in my life: to be an example to the world that not all teenagers are settling for a life of mediocrity. Sadly, this is the opinion of many adults (and teenagers). Our media is constantly setting low expectations for us, not really expecting anything from us at all. I'm excited to see what God teaches me through this book. Already, I highly recommend it.

I'm not very good and posting on here very frequently. Things have been pretty crazy lately. Right now school is getting tougher and on top of all my school work, I am required to prepare myself for SACS competition coming up in April. This year, I am entering a short story and a quilt.

God is constantly showing me many areas in my life in which I need to improve. I am very excited to see how He is going to use me. My relationship with Him is continually growing sweeter and sweeter. His love toward me is unfathomable. I can hardly contain my joy when I think about Him.

A Time of Preparation

"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel."
-Isaiah 45:2-3

It's been a busy couple of months. Between doctors appointments and exams, I haven't had time to do much of anything lately. But one thing remains constant. I always feel the pull of my Lord beckoning me to spend intimate time with Him.

I feel as though Christ is preparing me for something that is sooo much bigger than I could ever imagine, which really is His plan for all of us if we would just allow Him. This is what I am seeking: a life that is completely surrendered to Christ. A life that compels others to surrender. A life that will have an eternal impact.

I've had a lot of people ask me lately what I plan on doing after I graduate high school. I have no clue. Honestly, I don't want to go to college. It's so overwhelming, especially since I'm used to being in a class of 16 for the past 4 years. I know that whatever I do, I want it to bring honor to my King. I would love to be able to do something in ministry (obviously not being a preacher, Paul makes himself very clear about the roles of women in the church). But outside of preachers, youth ministers, and missionaries, I'm not really sure what's available to me.

This is where Christ comes in. He knows exactly where I need to be in my life, what I need to be doing in order to be fulfilled in Him. This is where my time of preparation comes in. When Christ is my ultimate goal, I don't have to worry about where to go to college, what to study, or what career I need to have. All that is required of me is to spend time with my Jesus.

On another note, my brother just left the United States today for a 5 month mission trip to Brazil. Please be in prayer for him and the church he is working with.

Caswell

This weekend, a group of students from Fairview Baptist traveled to Fort Caswell on Oak Island. Our trip consisted of a lot of good food, not a lot of sleep, messy and not so messy games. We arrived late Friday night, got unpacked, and started our first session. Our theme this year was Live. Love. We finally got to sleep that night around 1 in the morning. Saturday we had our Amazing Race. Instead of doing this on the fort, we went to a near by town, Southport. Late that night, we roasted marshmallows and made smores on the beach. We sang songs, saw shooting stars, and caught some sharks. Sunday morning we got all packed up, went to church, and said goodbye to our beloved Fort Caswell.

Unfortunately, I was not looking forward to this trip. I knew that it was going to be a lot different than it had been in the past. We had a smaller group going and we were staying at a different house. I realized that a lot of times, we get caught up in traditions and expectations and we forget about the reason we're doing something. I regret not having a joyful heart from the very beginning. This trip was so awesome. Since there were not a lot of people going, there was not drama and the group wasn't divided. Most of the time, all of us were together.

I am so glad I went on this trip that bonded our group. We made so many memories. I cannot wait to see how God is going to use these special students to bring Him glory.

Glory to God, forever!

Praise You in This Storm

Throughout this whole medical ordeal, I've realized that I haven't had the right attitude about anything. I've been thinking that everything that could be wrong with me is wrong with me. But I haven't been thinking about all the things that I should be thankful for. I am thankful that whatever is wrong with me hasn't taken my life. I am thankful for my parents who I have scared over and over again. I am thankful for my church family who have surrounded me in prayer and surrounded me literally when I've been having these attacks. I am thankful for my school family who have also been praying hard for me and ensuring that I have what I need for my education. I am thankful for the firemen and paramedics who responded so quickly. And I am most thankful for Christ. If He hadn't taken my place on the cross so many years ago, I would be suffering way more than I already am. I can feel His arms wrapped securely around me. His grace and mercy is amazing and I cannot fully comprehend it.

Since not a lot of people read this, I can write about what we are concerned is going on. Yesterday, I had an episode at school in my Spanish class. What concerned my teachers is that it looked as if I was having a seizure. My eyes rolled back in my head and I was shaking terribly. My teacher encouraged my mom to get me checked out for them and not to let them tell us these were panic attacks. My doctor said I could very likely be having seizures. She got us in with a good neurologist in Raleigh. I'm going tomorrow for some tests. I pray that they will find everything that needs to be found.

My Weekend

My family has had quite a weekend. Anyone that was at Fairview yesterday got a sermon and a show. In between Sunday School and the service, I experienced sort of an asthma/anxiety attack. I couldn't get a breathe and I was shaking so bad it was almost borderline seizing. Luckily, I had some people there to help me through it. I got to ride in my first ambulance. They came and picked me up from church and we rode to Western Wake. We stayed there for about two hours and they gave me some steroids. I was really weak and tired all day but never got any good rest.

Last night we had a youth meeting/dinner. I felt the same as I had all day. All of a sudden I couldn't get a good breath and I started freaking out. So they called the rescue squad again. Mr. Ronnie Jones came with the fire department which made me feel a lot better. My parents decided it wasn't necessary to go to the hospital this time. They just checked me out in the ambulance. My pulse and blood pressure were super high.

Today my mom is taking me to the doctor to see if they can figure out what has been going on. 3 of these attacks in one week is entirely too much.

Hilltop

I've been in school for about a month now, and I have absolutely loved it so far. I have the most amazing, godly friends to encourage me in my pursuit to bring God glory in everything I do. It was such a dramatic change to go from one of the worst middle schools in Wake county to one of the godliest private school in Wake county. It has taken me a while to get used to my teachers referring to the Bible in their lessons (even in my math classes). It's so wonderful to know that my teachers are here to encourage me in my faith, and all the while ensuring that I get the best education possible.

This past Thursday and Friday, our high school went on a retreat to Harvest Time Bible Camp in Shelby, NC. It was so awesome. While we are there, we grow close to each other while growing close to God at the same time. Of course, we didn't go to bed at lights out. Instead, some of us stayed up laughing and talking and sneaking out of our beds. We got to talking about a very special lady that used to be our substitue and her many health needs. So, at one in the morning, a group of about six of us and one of our favorite teachers headed out to the porch of our cabin so we wouldn't wake the others. There, we poured out our hearts of the needs that we had and we prayed about them and this coming school year.

This year, I am determined to make the most of everything. I am determined to build up everyone I talk to. I am determined to study hard and apply myself. This year, I am determined to bring God glory in everything that I do. No matter how tired, discouraged, and heartbroken I get, I am determined.

School Days

"School days, school days, back to golden rule days. With reading and writing, arithmetic. Talk to the tune of a hickory stick."

My dad sings this every day during the few weeks before school. It starts to get on your nerves after a while. Then, on the first day he sings this very loudly to wake me up that morning. But I really am excited about school this year. I know it's going to be hard because it's junior year but I've promised myself that I was going to study really hard. I'll be glad to see all my friends too. I don't think I've seen anyone from school over summer because of all my trips. I've really missed them. I'm also glad that I will be able to drive myself this year. I've gained my independence...sort of. So I'm going to start this year off on a good note, and that begins with being excited.

Kentucky

July was pretty much my travel month. First we went to the beach, then Ecuador, and a week later I went with a group to M-Fuge in Williamsburg, Kentucky. I started off with a bad attitude. I mean, I had just gotten back from an awesome trip across the world to Ecuador. I came on this trip just because I enjoyed my time last year in Philadelphia. Everyone at M-Fuge was like 10 and I would probably be the oldest one in my crew. Turns out I was. Out of PCY (painting/construction/yardwork), Social, Childrens, and Creative, I got put in the creative group-which was my first choice. I chose this group because I knew I would be challenged. During our stay in Kentucky, we would be visiting various nursing homes and adult day care centers. I was terrified, but I knew that no matter what, I had to put all my effort into this ministry. I'm not very good at talking with people. It is way way out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone would be childrens or social where I would fold clothes and various other things so I wouldn't have to talk to people. Turns out, I enjoyed my work in my crew. We would go to nursing homes and adult day care centers and I would sing with a couple of others. We would do some hymns and some silly songs. Then we would put on a puppet show and mingle with the others. I learned that God won't push my farther than I can handle. He knew I could handle this trip, but I didn't. Thank goodness His ways are higher than ours.

Ecuador

Ecuador was probably the most amazing experience in my entire life. The people there were so ready to receive the gospel. It made it very easy for us. The first full day there was my 16th birthday. I have to say I completely forgot about it. Not that it mattered. The girls suprised me and hung a banner in the cafeteria and let me blow out candles. We went prayer walking at our ministry sites on that first day. The second day which was our first day of actually being at our sites all day was awesome. We played soccer and basketball with the kids. We told a Bible story and we made salvation bracelets with them. Mrs. Tammy, a wonderful lady from one of the churches from Tennessee, led to ladies to Christ using these bracelets. It was a mother and daughter. The third day we made some salvation bracelets and also handed out the BelieverBands which were a huge hit. The kids knew how to explain them to us. Although we didn't understand them because of the huge language barrier haha. Wednesday was our last day at our ministry sites. It was a very eventful day. We did what we usually did in the morning. We played with the kids and did the Bible story and craft. Then we went to eat lunch at Juan's, the pastor of the house church in the community where we worked. After lunch, we usually just play sports or anything with the kids. I was playing basketball with these three other kids. That was when I had my first asthma attack. It was pretty scary. Dad and Mrs. Tammy helped me through it. After that, we led five people to the Lord! It was so incredibly awesome! Dad led a guy to Christ named Jason. Then there were three teenagers who overheard Dad talking with this guy. They also wanted to come to the Lord. This was when there was about five minutes left in our day. The bus was waiting for us up the road. Some of the IWC staff came and told us it was time to go and people were waiting on us. We had to tell them to wait! After the three teenagers accepted Christ, another guy came up and wanted to do the same thing! We were all so happy. Juan was there to invite them all to his church. The next day, Thursday, was our huge block party. I think we had like 600 people there. A lot of the parents of the kids we had been working with came to this. There was a team of IWC people who had only one job which was to hand out Bibles and tracts. There were a lot of people who accepted Christ at the party. Friday was our day to be tourists. We went to the equator in the morning. First to the real one and then to the monument. It was pretty cool. Then we went on a tram ride up a mountain. The views were incredible! After that we went to the Indian Market where we all got to talk down prices on everything. I'm so thankful for all the relationships built during that week. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in all of our lives. I also can't wait to see some Ecuadorians in Heaven someday, if not sooner.

My Mental Hope Chest

I apologize I haven't been writing anything lately. Well, it's not like many people read this. Oh well. I've been really busy lately. I've written tons of thank you notes to those who so generously contributed to my Ecuador fund. My family and I went to Holden Beach for a week and we had a very relaxing time. I haven't even had time enough to work on my quilt, but I will get around to that eventually. My dad recently planted some blueberry bushes. Along with that some squash and some watermelon. Anyway, when we came back to the beach bushes were full of ripe blueberries. Dad and I picked about a bucketful. Kyle had been wanting a blueberry cobbler so I decided to make him one. I wasn't too fond of it but everyone else liked it. It got me in a real baking mood (I've found a whole bunch of recipes that I can't wait to try). Actually, it got me in a very domestic mood. My parents came home to a squeaky clean house Tuesday. I really don't mind cleaning when I'm in the mood. It can be quite relaxing. Which brings me to my point. I feel like I'm the only teenager in my generation, or at least among my friends and acquaintances, that is concerned about making a future home. I feel like the only one concerned with domestic things. Who knows, maybe there's someone else out there like me. When I get married, I want to be able to cook for my husband. I want to be able to make things, like quilts, to adorn my house. I've asked for a Hope Chest for my 16th birthday. I don't think my parents took me seriously.

Summer Project

I've decided to start quilting. I thought it would be pretty simple. Just sew a couple pieces of fabric together. Well, I've been looking for patterns and it's not so easy as I thought. But I still want to pursue it. It seems really relaxing and fun. I've decided to do an Ohio Star pattern for a baby quilt. It looks simple enough. Mom promised that we'd go to the fabric store today so I could go ahead and get started. Let's hope I stick to this one.

Ecuador!

This summer, July 3rd-10th, I have the amazing opportunity to go to Quito, Ecuador with a group of students from Fairview Baptist Church. While we're there, we'll be ministering to and serving the people of Quito through various ministries.

I'm so excited for many reasons. I turn sixteen on the 4th! Imagine that, sweet sixteen in another country. This is an amazing opportunity! It will be my first time in a plane. It will be my first time overseas. And it will be my first time on an international mission trip. I get to share this experience with my brother and dad. My mom will be holding down the fort while we're gone, and we'll miss her so much over the week.

The group of students going are so so talented and have such a passion for God. I'm so excited about how God will use us over the trip. We're also going with a couple of great adults. The guy's are our youth pastor, Marty, my father, Barry, and Mr. Rob. The ladies going are Mrs. Dee and Mrs. Denise. I can tell God had these special group of chaperons picked out for us even before we knew we were going. These adults are so great and I'm so thankful for them.

We leave in less than 50 days. And with the day approaching soon, I get more and more excited. I ask that you pray for our group going, that God will give us boldness, keep the relationships strong, and that God will meet all our needs financially. We still have about 10,000 dollars to go. Also pray for the people of Ecuador. Pray that God will already be preparing the hearts of those we will share the gospel with.

There's Nothing to Watch

So, I'm sure you're thinking that I don't like any of the shows that are on. You're exactly right. I'm so sick of having to worry about what I'm watching. Even so called "family"channels are filled with cursing and sexual innuendos. What's up with that? I was watching Full House on ABC Family last night. After that That 70s Show came on, along with a warning that this show was not suitable for children under the age of 14. Really? Last time I checked, there are families with children under the age of 14.

I really do not understand this. You can make a good and interesting show without it being inappropriate. I'm sure by the time I grow up and have kids of my own, you wont even be able to watch commercials without there being something inappropriate on it. Heck, they already show inappropriate commercials. I'm so tired of this world. I can't wait until the Lord calls us home. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on.

First Post

I was encouraged by my youth pastor's wife and a friend of mine to start a blog. A blog is my way of journaling and being held accountable for what I'm writing about. So here goes the first post. (:

This morning I woke up with a song in my head. I love it when this happens. Especially when the song is one that brings glory to God. The song was How He Loves by David Crowder Band. I absolutely love one of the lines of the song: If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. Then I got to thinking: if grace, if mercy, if love is an ocean, we're all drowning. I love this picture.

The God of the universe and all of it's inhabitants loved us so much that He sent His only Son. Only Son. To die for us. I can't think of many parents who would send their child, especially their only one, to die for a world who would reject them and their love. Christians think of this a ludicrous, that the world would reject Jesus. But daily, we often reject Him. Instead of spending intimate time with Him, we choose instead to watch our favorite show or take a nap. This disgusts me, but I do it too.

So think about this. Christ died for us. We reject Him. But we are STILL sinking in His grace, mercy, and love.